Why Not Just Let Myself Sink?
August 16, 2025
You switch it off.
You switch it on.
I’m sat there, holding on for the bomb.
Perhaps I am just tired of living a “positive and upward” life.
“Why not just let myself sink?” (不妨就此沉沦) was a phrase that suddenly popped into my head in the middle of the night. This is quite different from what I usually write. In the past, I would cobble together bits and pieces from scattered memos, barely stitching them into an article, and then spend half a day agonizing over a title. But this one is different.
However, I haven’t written “anything of substance” for nearly two months. I’m actually quite apprehensive. My writing has always been clumsy, and typing out every sentence right now requires a tremendous amount of courage.
First, a small celebration: Today, the CET-6 (English exam) results were released. I took it completely unprepared—naked, so to speak—and somehow scraped a pass…
Personally, I no longer want to study English purely for the sake of “test-taking.” Yet, I don’t focus on improving my actual language skills either. I am lazy. I don’t even have the motivation to open a practice paper. My only preparation was cramming at the last minute, memorizing so-called “must-know phrases for CET-6” in the early hours before the exam—which, of course, was meaningless.
I’m aware that the “Immersive Translate” plugin had some privacy leaks, yet people still need it.
On Twitter, someone asked, with a “Let them eat cake” attitude, why people don’t just “learn English properly.” The sarcasm in their tone was actually correct: Most people are just lazy.
Recently, I’ve been into “Vibe coding,” which in itself is a form of laziness. From inputting ideas to getting the output, everything is handed over to AI. I just move my lips (or fingers), and the functionality is realized. We don’t even need to participate in or browse the code inside. But is laziness really that bad?
Yes. Subconsciously, I feel that Vibe coding is an admission that I am too lazy to learn the basics of coding, and that laziness is an unforgivable sin.
But if I think about it, my subconscious resistance to Vibe coding is essentially just a question of “whether one must learn to hand-wash clothes.” To take it to an extreme: if I’m dealing with “underwear,” I actually don’t want to choose “hand-washing.” If there is a specialized laundry machine, why not save the effort, step out of the dizzying steam, and let the machine handle the manual labor?
But there will always be someone jumping out to say that people must be responsible for hygiene, and that it’s better to scrub your own clothes. And I am exactly that person jumping out and barking, except the object of my criticism is myself.
Vibe coding allowed me to complete the about page for my blog, my Astro personal home page, and write the memos-sorter. But in reality, I don’t understand Python, PHP, or Astro—the codes I pieced together relying on AI. I merely stated my requirements and implemented them one by one like a relay race. When bugs appeared, I relied on AI to solve the weird issues.
Then, I arrived at a conclusion fueled by Imposter Syndrome: I don’t know how to write code at all.
And so, I often persuade myself: Why not just sink here?
So, what can sinking bring?
When I asked Gemini this question, it gave me this answer:
When all external labels (good student, hard worker) are stripped away, and all your energy is exhausted, sinking allows you to see the core, naked version of yourself.
Day and night lose their original meaning, becoming merely “time awake” and “time asleep.” In this time, you no longer need to chase deadlines or plan “what to do during the holidays.” You simply exist, letting time flow through your body like water.
It’s like the full title of the movie Dr. Strangelove: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb. Accepting one’s own sinking is a very difficult thing. Like accepting the bomb, it is a kind of dark humor and madness in the face of an absurd doomsday.
I saw a piece of “advice for incoming freshmen” on Zhihu (though I am no longer a prospective freshman):
First, forget all those pretty words you heard at the opening ceremony about “embracing the future” and “letting dreams fly.” Those are speeches made for ten thousand people to hear.
In the eyes of most people, sinking equals “wasting away.” Picking up smoking or drinking, getting addicted to games, or even just scrolling through your phone all day are judged as “this person is going to rot.”
Actually, I feel the same way. Since the holidays began, I’ve spent most of my time anxious about the fact that “I haven’t done anything this holiday.”
I open Xiaohongshu (RedNote) and Zhihu, accidentally stumbling upon those “6-hour study logs” or “Freshman Year Summaries.” Watching others full of vitality, seeing others secure internships or enter labs in their first year, or even the simplest thing—“someone else has a higher rank than me”—I loathe myself for letting trivial bullshit like this drive my anxiety.
But realizing this hasn’t alleviated my anxiety. Because for me, this feeling isn’t something that goes away just because I rationalize it. My exhaustion and my ambition are constantly fighting, and I am entangled in every pre-action of execution. I am tired.
At times like this, I choose to sink. I continue scrolling through short videos that bring quick dopamine. Or, watching long videos from creators I admire.
I really like watching videos by Miss AL. Specifically, Arlene Libitina’s “I once truly thought that pretending to be a ‘literary girl’ would make people like me”.
I really love what she wrote in the description:
I realized that I spent half my life trying to become “some kind of person” my family expected, gradually immersing myself in the evaluations of others until I couldn’t extricate myself, even to a pathological degree; at the same time, I was lucky enough to meet the part I was missing, realizing that being genuinely liked doesn’t require any excellent qualities or labels—the most important thing is always a sincere heart. I also hope that everyone who sees this can go on to be their truest self and write a story that belongs only to you.
AL is a creator I have admired since middle school. In my first year of high school, I quietly wrote this passage in my QQ Space:
My goal is simple. To live a carefree life. Everyone is the same. But every day, anxiety lingers around me. And I admire those understanding wise people; they are capable and strong enough to self-satisfy goals that seem grander to me.
In the narrow reality I live in, that strong peer who won the national award appears incredibly wise to me. In the online world I know, whether it is Miss AL or Sura, or others, what I pay attention to is their ability and talent. And their wisdom.
To put it bluntly, I feel heartfelt admiration for those who have mastered multiple languages. In my view, those who can master other languages must be people of iron-willed effort.
Perhaps it is their interest, perhaps it is their need. But their wisdom and effort converge into their ability and talent. A temperament different from ordinary people, shining in the mundane dust.
It’s the comparison, isn’t it? It is because of the comparison that I feel lost. I know I don’t have that temperament. I know I haven’t put in that effort. My will to be lazy has become my main subject. To use an unpleasant phrase, I seem to be just an ordinary person who only knows how to study, eat, sleep, and play—one fraction of the countless masses.
I am far worse than I thought in my heart. My will has created my confusion.
Can I really achieve that dream? I haven’t even taken the actions of so-called hard work. It’s like the natural beauty in front of the house, yet I have never stepped out of the door. So, how can I, who shouts daily from my bed about the beautiful scenery and how I must see it, ever achieve any results without action…?
Innate inferiority, perhaps that was appropriate for the past me.
Maybe it fits the current me just as well. The anxiety of not being able to climb to the top stems from not believing that I am the best, yet as the eldest sister, I must set an example, and as a “left-behind child,” I must excel in studies, otherwise, what awaits is disappointment. But my rebellious phase has arrived; I truly want to break away.
Actually, while writing this, I still had a fleeting thought that what I’m writing is “cliché and common.” After dragging on for so long, it’s just a simple principle: the meaning of To be yourself. But then I thought, taking a truth that everyone knows, walking through it again with one’s own unique life experience, and then telling it to others—perhaps that is what literature and art are.
I will continue to be anxious. This is an inevitable event. And my emotions are not always stable; I am even considering going to a hospital for diagnosis and treatment to stabilize the pathological issues caused by my emotions. But for now, all I can tell myself is: Why not just let myself sink? Because I am too tired. One late night, half spent on anxiety, half spent on tears—naturally, the daytime me wants to do nothing.
I can no longer deceive myself by saying I must be positive, nor hint to myself to walk in a positive direction. I will go wherever I want, even if it is in a negative direction. I also will not remind myself to get positive again after sinking. Regardless of the future, immediate joy is enough.